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Between work and school, I’ve been so damn busy that I’ve completely neglected this website more than Lindsay Lohan has neglected sobriety and common sense… alright that’s impossible, but you get the point. Anyway, unless you live under a quarry or you’ve been mainlining bath salts for the last 18 hours, you know that the Miami Heat pulled out a 104-98 victory over the Oklahoma City Thunder last night in Game 4 of the NBA Finals to put a 3-1 vice grip on this series. This game will be unforgettable for numerous reasons. Russell Westbrook punished every soul that tried to get in his way en route to a 43-point, 7-rebound, 5-assist masterpiece that will no doubt go down as one of the most epic performances in Finals history. Super Mario Chalmers pulling a complete 180 from Game 3 and giving the performance of his life (one that will no doubt earn him some serious money when his contract expires). However, despite all the incredible performances in Game 4, this game will always be remembered as The Cramp Game.

LeBron James has been a god damn stallion all season long, missing only four games during that crazy 66-game condensed schedule that David Stern forced down the players throats. He’s been an absolute workhorse ever since the playoffs started against the Pacers (OH YEAH BIG OL DIG ON THOSE KNICKS… JEREMY WHO? HAHAHAHAHA… *pause*… Compose yourself…). These are LeBron’s playoff stats: 30.5 PPG, 50% FG, 9.7 Reb, 5.3 Ast, 1.9 Stl all while playing 43 minutes per game. He’s been writing basketball symphonies with his giant royal penis all postseason and I honestly wasn’t surprised at all when his legs finally said “Fuck This.” and gave out with 6 minutes left in the 4th and the game tied at 90. The sequence that followed was, in my opinion, what decided the game:

LeBron drives to the basket on Durant and goes down as his legs give out from under him. The ball is turned over and Derek Fisher comes up with it and begins to lead the Thunder in transition. Since Fisher is such a “winner” and has the “heart of a champion”, he drove recklessly through the lane and was FUCKING REJECTED by Dwyane with no regard for human life (Gabrielle probably had to resist running onto the court and blowing him on the spot after that happened). Chalmers then picks up the ball after the swat and throws it back down court where a gimped LeBron catches is and slowly dribbles in and banks one off glass to give the Heat a two point lead. He then IMMEDIATELY signals to the sideline that he’s seeing an indian with an extra horse beckoning him into the woods.

LeBron is carried off the court by, of all people, Juwan Howard, the only person that was actually born before Bosh’s entire family was wiped out at the end of the Mesozoic Era.

James is then force fed Gatorade and has his legs being iced down by two white guys (seriously, where the white women at?). After a few minutes of rest, he checks back into the game still hobbling and limited, and then has his career defining moment:

EFFFFFFFFFFFFF YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!! LeBron has always had an unhealthy addiction to the “EFF YOU” 3-pointer, especially since he’s not particularly good at it. However, on this night, with one bad leg and a gas tank running on fumes, he buries the biggest one in the biggest stage to give the Heat a 3-point lead, and they never looked back. Not to say that they weren’t worried, the Thunder still have an assassin in Kevin Durant on the court. However, with less than a minute left and the Heat only up 3, they got help from the hero they needed… Mr. Big Shot himself (or as he will be known as from now on… Mario “Mother Fucking” Chalmers).

Unsung Hero: Norris Cole’s Flat Top. The Flat Top made its first appearance since the Heat drafted the rookie out of Cleveland State, and it became abundantly clear that it has mythical powers that cannot be understood. With the Heat down by as much as 17 points, Cole provided an 8-point spark (I swear to god he made more threes in a span of two minutes than he had made in the last 3 months…) that closed the gap and helped the Heat rebound from a terrible start to the game. You could argue that the momentum swing caused by Cole helped get the crowd back into the game and spark the Heat towards their huge Game 4 victory.

Disclaimer: The series isn’t over.  The Thunder won 4 straight against what many “analysts” considered the best team in basketball, so they cannot be overlooked. However, I truly believe the Heat will close this out at home in Game 5. NOW GET THE COBRA DICK SOME GOD DAMN WATER.