To all the fans of the Miami Dolphins, my condolences go out to you. It was just a week ago where the promise of a booming Free Agency period filled your hearts and souls with hope. You were able to salvage a horrid 0-7 start to the 2011 season by some inspiring mid to end season play, rattling off impressive wins against the Chiefs, Redskins, and Bills, losing a very close game to the Cowboys and then dominating the Raiders. You hit some snags in the road against the Eagles and Patriots, but all in all you did the unthinkable (it was unthinkable during that 0-7 run) and finished the season 6-10. As the season went on Matt Moore showed some growth,  Brandon Marshall showed he was still a top WR in the league, Reggie Bush showed he could be the every down back you wanted him to be, and the offseason began with a chance for a great 2012 season, but unfortunately your front office had other plans in mind.

Minutes (MINUTES!) into Free Agency Brandon Marshall is traded to the Bears for 2 3rd Round Draft Picks (albeit after he punched a woman in the face), Peyton decides that you are not a worthy destination for his presence, and shortly thereafter Ryan Clark tweets that “No one wants to play for the Dolphins”. “Why doesn’t anyone want to come to our team?” you may ask. Well, angry Dolphins fan, here’s a small list on Why The Miami Dolphins Can’t Have Nice Things:

  • Your GM is Jeff Ireland (douche)
  • Said GM asked a prospective player if his mother was a prostitute (douche move)
  • Dolphins are a horrible mascot (Seriously, who is stricken with fear by a dolphin)
  • Reggie Bush had sexual relations with Kim Kardashian (any man who touches her and anyone she is affiliated with is punished by God…or Tebow)
  • Florida already has a crap load of professional sports teams and you guys get the short end of the stick
  • The Decision (#BlameItOnLeBron)
  • Dan Marino placed a curse on the franchise after he left
  • Chris Bosh’s face scares little children (last living Raptor)
  • J Lo and Marc Anthony are telling you to put your “Fins Up” (co-sign )
  • You didn’t draft Tim Tebow

And finally the most important of them all…

  • Your GM is Jeff Ireland (Can’t be stated enough)

While you sit in your beer and piss filled corners of depression, just know that it isn’t your fault the Dolphins suck… it’s your fault for being a Dolphins fan to begin with.


Arrogant Pats fan who hopes this doesn’t come back to haunt him when Bill Belichick and Tom Brady retire