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This may be the one and only post about Olympic weightlifting ever on this blog; however, it must be made. Sadly, it looks like the United States will not qualify any male weightlifters for the Olympics, which leads to the obvious question…which weightlifter should you root for now? I’ve narrowed it down for you, but due to this blog’s limited budget you only get two options: Dmitry Klokov or Andrei Aramnau.

The Case for Klokov:

Klokov is your stereotypical Russian cyborg. He occasionally gets second or third just so nobody starts asking questions. He even looks the way you picture all Russians looking (like Drago). YouTube is littered with training clips of him laughing at science, including a recent one of him  push-pressing 225 kg (496 pounds). He’s so freakish the internet has seen fit to give him his own meme, which frankly is at the core of why you should root for him:

The Case for Aramnau:

Andrei Aramnau is more relatable. He’s chubby, has a drinking problem, and doesn’t give a fuck. Except unlike the rest of us, he’s a prodigy. He won the 2008 Beijing Olympics at the age of 20 (over Klokov). After winning gold and becoming a national hero, he handled it slightly better than Michael Phelps. Just kidding, he got two DUI’s in three months and was banned for two years by the Belarus weightlifting federation for being an unrepentant drunk. Apparently, when he was pulled over for his second DUI he turned around and asked the policeman if he knew just who the hell he was arresting (in front of a massive roadside billboard of himself). This spirited back-and-forth slightly edges Charles Barkley’s rumored DUI explanation that he was in a rush to re-receive the most mind-blowing fellatio he’d ever experienced.